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The Autopsy of Jane Doe

31 Days of Horror, Day 9

[Scene: A meeting room somewhere in the headquarters of Impostor Pictures]

Pitch Man: So this great script came across my desk.

Studio Exec: I’m listening.

Pitch Man: It’s an ontological horror film…

Studio Exec: [checking watch] Whoa. Got an important lunch meeting. Just came up.

Pitch Man: Like Saw. You know, a bunch of people trapped in a room with no idea how they got there?

Studio Exec: Lunches can be rescheduled…

Pitch Man: But we’re flipping it. The protagonists are trying to figure out how the corpse ended up on their autopsy table.

Studio Exec: This sounds like an episode of Bones.

Pitch Man: And while they’re cutting her open, supernatural stuff happens.

Studio Exec: Supernatural? Like how?

Pitch Man: Flies coming out of her nostrils, Biblical verses in her internal organs.

Studio Exec: Wait! I know this one! Demonic spirit?

Pitch Man: It’s more nuanced than that…

Studio Exec: Witch! She’s a witch!

Pitch Man: Yes. I mean, no. It’s kind of ambiguous.

Studio Exec: Good. Good. Leave it up to the viewer. Who do we have attached to this thing?

Pitch Man: The kid from Into the Wild and the bad guy from X-Men 2.

Studio Exec: Sounds expensive. Can we do it for $1 million?

Pitch Man: Well, prosthetics aren’t cheap, and I really want to do this thing justice…

Studio Exec: It’s like I always say, kid, “Aim for the stars. Settle for violently mediocre.”

Pitch Man:

Studio Exec: Well, that’s lunch. Peace out, fellow middle-aged white men in suits.