AKA “The Bane of My Professional Existence”
I’m being talked at.
Jesus, when’s our potty break?
And where’s the coffee?
That’s “hurricanes” for you weirdos who like to call things by their proper names
So, some Caribbean island called Barbuda, whose existence I just learned about this morning, got riggity wrecked by Hurricane Irma, and that’s a real bummer, man. Who would have thought that living in an island paradise would have its drawbacks – except, you know, the people of Haiti?
And then there’s the part of Texas that sits near the Gulf of Mexico (AKA the breeding ground for watery killstorms). Parts of the United States are underwater, and it’s just another reminder that Mother Nature doesn’t care. Like, you could not fathom the size of the fuck she does not give. What’s that? Your house is all paid off? Let’s see what it would look like if I dropped a tree on it. Oh, you like having electricity? Try watching sitcoms when your entire living room is a swimming pool.
Nature doesn’t play.
And few places are safe. Those coffee-slurping hipsters in Portland and Seattle could be turned to molten ash by an eruption from Yellowstone. Or maybe drowned by a tsunami. San Francisco? Just wait until the San Andreas fault gets antsy.
Even Phoenix poses dangers. If the heatstroke doesn’t get me, there are the flash floods – not to mention the rattlesnakes, scorpions and other dangerous creepy crawlers that nature created to remind us that we’re just squatters on her turf, and she can reclaim it whenever she pleases.
All this raises an important question: where exactly do you flee when the proverbial shit hits the fan? The Midwest? Too many Trump voters, evangelicals and tornadoes. Canada? Beer good, cold bad.
I’ll just stay where I am. The skin cancer will get me long before the apocalypse comes.
Or what I’m guessing he was thinking as he stepped into the ring, since I’m not, you know, a mind reader
Conor McGregor lost, but he’s not a loser. Let’s get that out of the way. I mean, any guy who can do this to a reigning champion is a winner in my book. Let’s also not forget the fact that McGregor got anywhere between $30-100 million for going 10 rounds against one of the greatest boxers in the world, Floyd Mayweather, jr. So, you know, boo hoo. I’m sure both guys sleep on piles of money.
But why did McGregor get in the ring in the first place – besides the money, and the opportunity to hand Mayweather his first loss? Continue reading
He came, and, with little effort, we survived.
President Trump is probably the only septuagenarian who comes to Phoenix in the summer. Though there was a lot of hubbub about the rationale for his visit and the impact it would have on the surrounding schools and businesses, in the end not much came of it.
I had already planned to leave work early since childcare at my daughter’s school was being cut by one hour. But I left even earlier to account for traffic. Aside from a tense five-minute period in which not a single car on the I-10 was moving (due to a disabled vehicle) the trip into dowtown Phoenix was relatively easy.
The city had done most of the heavy lifting by sending government workers home early, and many businesses did the same. Downtown was a ghost town. The ride home was a non-issue because I was fleeing the madness, not riding headlong into it. I’m not sure what I expected, but I’m glad the city didn’t descend into chaos and protests.
A primer for the rest of us
In the wake of violence perpetrated by the alt-right movement, I’ve decided to re-evaluate not only my role as a writer but also what I’m choosing to do with the platform I’ve built for myself. That means I’m breaking the coda that guided the 100 posts I wrote on Medium over the course of 100 days: no politics.
The turning point for me wasn’t the death of an innocent woman, or the fact that a bunch of angry Nazis marched through Charlottesville carrying tiki torches. Nah, it was a Tweet. From The Onion. Continue reading