Fool’s Gold Loaf

Fool’s gold loaf

If it’s good enough for Elvis, it’s good enough for me

Hollowed-out bread, with
PB, jelly and bacon —
you’ll be all shook up.*

*Like, seriously, this sandwich is 8,000 calories. Elvis didn’t mess around when it came to food — or amphetamines.

Practical Magic (Chili)

Practical Magic

31 Days of Horror, Day 30

I caught maybe five minutes of this movie because I was too busy making chili. While I can tell you that the soundtrack – or what little of it I heard from the kitchen – is basically suicide fuel, it wouldn’t be fair of me to comment on the actual movie. It’s about witches, I guess? And Nicole Kidman looks pretty much the same as she does now. So maybe she’s totally into immortality spells in real life?

It’s also not really a horror movie. Whatever. Here’s a haiku about chili:

Meat, spices, peppers:
smash them together with broth,
and that’s good eating.

The New Daughter

31 Days of Horror, Day 27

(Full disclosure: I tapped out of this dumpster fire at about the 70-minute mark. It’s entirely possible that the ending redeemed everything that preceded it, but I highly doubt it.)

Old burial mounds?
And who cast Kevin Costner?
Poor man’s Poltergeist.

 

When Animals Dream

When Animals Dream

31 Days of Horror, Day 25

In When Animals Dream, a girl’s transformation into a werewolf serves as an allegory for the patriarchy and its suppression of female sexuality. Hmm. Where have I seen that before?

’Member Ginger Snaps?
This movie’s kind of like that,
except slow and dull.

The Babysitter

The Babysitter

31 Days of Horror, Day 18

Right off the bat, this movie had two strikes against it. First, it’s directed by McG. Second, it’s a straight-to-Netflix horror comedy. While The Babysitter started out promising, unraveling the mystery of what the titular character does when the kid she’s watching falls asleep wasn’t worth 85 minutes of our time.

What is she up to?
Much like this McG-helmed film,
it doesn’t matter.

Howl

Howl

31 Days of Horror, Day 16

I’m going to break precedent here and actually give context for a haiku. Howl is a 2015 British indie horror film about a train terrorized by werewolves. We found it tedious, yet a fairly accurate representation of the horrors that await anyone who chooses to use mass transit. I’ve seen NYC subway videos on YouTube, fam.

Like any train ride:
dull, with the slightest chance that
you may be bitten.